Longings, I Pretend K/U [PG]

Image courtesy of Paramount, Trekcore and Moi.

Disclaimer: The characters are Paramount's, their actions are mine.

Summary: Uhura watches Kirk survive the anguish of Deneva.

I made the connection for you to your Mom. How did you tell her that your brother was dead? Do you even accept the fact yourself? I watched you on the Bridge, all business as we helped the survivors reclaim their world, your face as cold as space.

Your nephew was shuttled back to Earth, a paltry kindness from Starfleet when they denied you leave to escort him home. Again, you took the news with no hint of emotion.

McCoy made frequent forays to the Bridge on some pretense, conferring with Spock as both cast worried glances your way. It didn't escape your attention; you just didn't appear to care.

It was the end of my watch, my job to deliver important messages to your quarters. I hesitated before buzzing, but stepped into the near darkness and barely made out your outline as you sat at your desk. Slowly you seemed to come back to the present, clearing your voice and turning toward me as you called for the lights to brighten slightly.

I pretended not to notice the redness of your eyes. I pretended not to notice the shakiness of your hand as you signed off on the new orders. I pretended not to notice the roughness of your voice as you perfunctorily thanked me. I pretended not to notice your dismissal…

You were poised between the relief of grief and the precipice of anger, your body unable to commit to either. Instead, I caressed your cheek; I ignored the rules - Starfleet's and yours. I pushed you, I pushed you to react in any way you could--tears, rage or touch.

Now, as I leave you in fitful sleep, I will pretend it did not matter--that your bitter grief spilling into me did not sear my heart.

~ID'ic