Confessions
Image:
Courtesy of my wanderings through the internet
Summary:
When you need the only person who can understand.
Disclaimer: The characters belong to Paramount, their
actions are mine.
Author’s
notes: A new story in my Realizations series. Set between Lofty
Passions and Sometimes I Need More.
References events from Healing Touch and my yet to be written story of
the end of the five year mission and Kirk and Uhura’s time shortly thereafter.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
“I’m coming, I’m coming…. .” McCoy grumbled softly, walking
to the front door of his stately old home.
The whole point of being retired was you could do what you wanted to
when you wanted to. The chime was loud—spoiling his afternoon nap on the back
veranda. He was not expecting any
visitors and wasn’t too keen to greet the mystery caller.
“Well, I’ll be damn.
Hello Nyota—or should I say Lieutenant Commander,” his scowl quickly
morphing into a grin. McCoy stepped back
to eagerly allow entrance of the woman who would always be welcome in his
world.
“Good afternoon, Doctor”—she began with a broad, and
somewhat relieved smile—“I wasn’t sure I’d catch you home.”
It was not like Nyota to visit unannounced or stay in
uniform when she had the option; it sent dormant, battle-hardened nerves on red
alert. “Call me Len, Commander, if this
is a social call,” casually noting Nyota’s uniform. “Where else would I be on
this fine spring day?”
“Oh that’s just it, Len—on such a beautiful day you could be
anywhere out enjoying the weather.” Uhura stepped into the coolness of McCoy’s
home, the tension easing from her shoulders by just being in proximity of
someone she thought of as family.
“Guess I’ve already gotten the ‘Jaded Earther Syndrome’
again—taking the sun and temperature for granted again just like any other
‘sodder’. Come on back and let’s sit in
the parlor. I have some nice mint ice
tea in the chiller just begging to be sipped.”
McCoy realized her answer lacked the the reason for her visit but decided
he would peel that onion later, right now his upbringing required the offering
of refreshments.
“I’ll be right
back. Find a seat.” Nyota followed the
older man down the hall and into a side room with comfortable furniture.
“Thank you, Len.” She
smiled but didn’t immediately sit, instead she wandered the room, looking at
McCoy’s antiques and decorations. Most
seemed to be family heirlooms—traditional McCoy—but not necessarily personal to
Leonard himself.
She stopped at the mantle, fixated by the hologram taken at
their final reception on the Enterprise before making home port. Ship life had
been chaotic then--crew transferring out—determined to stay in space. Anticipation of the grand reception coming
their way causing all sorts of chatter and speculation about next assignments
and promotions. But Nyota, even through
all of that, had sensed an underlying current of tension between McCoy, Spock
and Kirk. Looking closely at their
images in the holo one could see something—an uneasiness in their posture,
smiles that seemed a bit forced.
Little did she know when the image of the senior officers
was captured by a fellow merry-maker, that its hints of disquiet foretold a
deafening explosion to follow.
“Do you miss it?” McCoy’s perceptive voice questioned as he
returned bearing a tray of tea and molasses cookies, making Uhura consider how
long he had stood at the doorway watching.
“It? Len? Don’t you
mean them?” Coming over to join him on the
settee, Nyota did her own bit of challenging as she accepted a cold glass and a
small plate of cookies.
“It, them. Isn’t it
all the same? Our time on the ship together?”
McCoy knew he felt differently but sometimes you have to let go and
accept that life moves on no matter how much you wish it to stay in stasis.
“I enjoyed our mission tremendously. It was a rush to run a
whole department of a starship—but it’s over now. Time for us to move on to bigger and better
if you believe the Starfleet credo. But
my shipmates? Yes, I miss them—you—sometimes very much.” There was a wistfulness in her tone that told
McCoy she wasn’t any fonder of that credo than he was.
“Some more than others too, possibly?”
“I came for a visit, Len—not a psyche eval. You guys were—are—like family. I treasure you all.”
“Okay, darlin’, but if you’ll accept my humble opinion
anyway, it’s not like you to just pop in unannounced. Does this day mean more to you than any
other? Something about it make you want
to seek out a kindred spirit, maybe?”
“If you’re alluding to the fact that today is Admiral Kirk’s
wedding day, then you’re stretching it, Doctor.” If he was going to act like a
physician she was going to call him one.
“Oh, don’t go getting tetchy with me, Nyota. I’m not judging or reading way more into it
than it seems. Jim’s getting
married. I know you two were close for a
bit—even after the mission. You’re here
and not at the wedding—there a reason for that?”
Taking a sip of the cold tea, Nyota wished for something
stronger. “I *was* invited, but I
declined –my last mission was not expected to end this early. I mean, technically I’m *still* on the
mission—our ship just got in this morning.”
“So naturally, you beamed down to visit an old friend—regs
be damned—or something like that?” Why
did it seem so deranged when he said it so matter-of-factly?
“You didn’t go either.
There a reason for that? Surely
you can’t still be mad at him.”
“I was *never* mad at Jim. I was angry at Nogura for
manipulating him—using his sense of duty to the service and to him personally
to get Jim to agree to that damn promotion.
I’m still angry that Jim can’t see that being planet-bound will be the
death of him. At least Nogura’s gilded
him a pretty little cage…”
“What do you mean by that?”
“Lori Ciani? Jim’s,”-- looking at the mantle clock to
acknowledge the wedding was probably over by now,--“wife—is also one of
Nogura’s hand-picked wonder kids. You
don’t think it just a bit too neat that they’re now getting married?”
“Neat? I mean, if you’re around someone you’re attracted to
day in and day out—wouldn’t romance be a logical step?”
“Hmmm, you’d know that better than me now, wouldn’t you
darlin’—but I knew logic would come into it sooner or later. And where is ‘good ol’ logic, huh? He flew
the coop too, didn’t he? Again, due to
Nogura’s scheming. Not allowed to join Kirk’s staff because off some unholy
alliance relationship that Nogura thinks will keep Jim aloof from the rest of
the Admiralty.
“No, good ol’ Spock doesn’t just reject his promotion as
Enterprise’s captain—the prize that Nogura thinks would woo him away from Jim’s
side—he rejects *all* of Humanity—leaves the service, leaves his family, leaves
emotions and Jim behind.
“We made a piss poor mess out of the whole thing—me
included. And now Jim is tied to a desk
and saddled with a wife too perfect for the picture. That’s my guilty conscience screaming,
Nyota. What’s yours got to say?”
“I don’t feel guilty about anything, Len.”
“So, it’s more about regret, then?”
“What *did* you put in this iced tea?”
“Nothing too dangerous—just something to take the edge off.”
“I think it’s peeled a little too many layers off of
me. I came by to see an old friend, not
the ship’s therapist.”
“Sorry, but the friend is bored. You’ll just have to look over the doctor in
him.”
“Easier said than done, Len.
You know way too much about me for me to trust this will stop now.”
“Trust me, Nyota,--that’s why you really came to see me—you
trust me—trust that what you say here today will go no further. You trust that I’m the only one who could and
does understand.”
Uhura raised her chin just a bit and straightened her
shoulders—a tell she picked up from Kirk when he was getting ready to bluff his
way through something—usually a gaggle of Klingons….
“I’m fine, Len.
Really.”
“You think so, huh?
Well, I don’t. You broke regs to
come see me and you told on yourself to boot.
Sounds like someone who needs a friendly ear if I ever heard one.”
‘Fine”. She got up to
pace, subconsciously staring at the hologram in her back and forth journey.
“Admiral Kirk—Jim,” she took a deep breath after correcting
herself, if she was going to confess she needed to be brutally honest,--“called
me several months ago and told me he was getting married.”
“And?” prompted McCoy, nudging her over the first hurdle.
“I was shocked? Happy for him? A little overwhelmed…”
“How about hurt?”
“Oh yes, how could I have forgotten that one? And I was hurt….
But did I have any right to feel that way?
Were we together? I took a six
month tour of the border monitoring stations just to waste time until the refit
of the Enterprise got underway. I left
him and he was okay with that. We aren’t
a couple—don’t plan to be—but I don’t know what we are. There are times when I need him and he needs
me. Am I being selfish? Worrying about the next time my world crumbles?”
“And would Jim being married preclude him being there for
you?”
“Why tempt Fate, Doctor?
I’ve compromised his sense of honor before and I never want to do that
again.”
“Nyota, I don’t think Jim ever felt that he betrayed
anything or anyone by being there for you.”
“It’s strange—I can’t explain how it feels sometimes. Like I’m hollow and all I can feel is his
echo—it overruns me, bouncing against my insides—trying to find me—comforting
and exciting me at the same time. It’s been
that way since Bengali. It never goes
away. It just ebbs and flows like a
tide. I always know it’s there—that he’s there.
And he feels the same.
“So why you may ask, with all of that, can’t we be a
couple? Because outside of each other we
desire different things. We know that.
We accept it. So why am I having
such a hard time accepting his marriage?
He seems to have found a way to move on.”
“Jim has denied himself for so long—he encouraged you to
take this mission didn’t he?”
“Yes.”
“He wanted you to get away.
To stay in space to be free to live without the restrictions that bind
him. It stands to reason he would seek a
life with someone who doesn’t feel limited by being on desk duty—someone he
doesn’t feel at fault for their limitations.
Jim’s strongest complaint about being a captain was the loneliness. As an admiral on Earth he is free to share
himself with someone. But I don’t think
he could choose someone he felt belonged to the stars—and Nyota—he’s always
felt that way about you.”
“And I know it’s for the best that I’m out of the
picture—but there’s something shifting inside of me that is having a hard time
accepting it.
“I *know* it’s safer to love him from afar. Do you know the old Pratchett quote, ‘he was
beautiful like a forest fire is beautiful.
Better not get too close?
“That exactly describes my attraction to Jim. I’m drawn but fearful of the flames. And when I left him six months ago, Len—there
was hardly more than scorched earth.
“You had left him—Spock had gone to Gol without so much as a
goodbye—his ship was being taken away from him and he was jumble of hurt, shock,
anger and regret. When I left he had
made some sort I peace with his future—but he was far from healed. Admiral Ciani has no idea who she’s really
marrying. Six months can’t cure all of
that.”
“So what can you do about that? What can you do to help Jim—or Lori for that
matter—and not get hurt in the fallout?
If you know you’re not meant to be with each other, are you willing to
risk what chance for happiness he’s reaching for?”
“You know, when I’m sitting in detention for going AWOL, I’m
going to think long and hard about those questions because right now I don’t
have any answers.”
“No, Darlin’, I’d imagine not. So, speaking of regs and flat out disregard
thereof—you suppose a comm from Starfleet Medical requesting your immediate
presence here would do you any good with your commander?”
“Ah, well, since there’s nothing in the log to support that
request, I’m sure Commander Bricker will be less than thrilled with any
interference.”
“You planning on serving with him again? Got any other marks against your record
during the mission?”
“No, in fact, I have a commendation or two.”
“Then what are you worried about, Ny? Skipping ship a few hours early won’t hold
candle against that. Now, excuse me
while I call in a favor.” And after
that’s done, why don’t we go out on the town? This wedding might suck but who
says our version of the reception has to?”
“And, I guess that’s why I came, Len. You always know how to show a lady a good
time.”
“That’s me, Darlin’---that’s truly me….”
~Finis
